(SQPRANOS THEME SONG)
Hey, no speeding. This is a party zone!
( RGVVDY CHATTER )
Come on! \/Ve can do it!
Hey, Janet Jackson
Hi, |\/Ir, Soprano!
V\/here's Meadow’?
-Tony_ Billy, thanks for calling
As soon as I found out it was your mom's place
C)_D_ Friend says Special K and ecstasy
You fucking kidding me? -Your kid's all right_
She's a little drunk
321, repeat, you're breaking up
529, are you in pursuit of vehicle on 75 North?
ln your grandmother's house -lt wasn't my fault,
If I had a quarter every time I heard that
_l'd have a private jet on 24-hour standby_
Get in the car
(vo|v||T|No )
In your grandmother's house -Now he's repeating himself_
Just lucky I knew that cop So he cut me a favor.
Let me guess, he owes you money?
(CAR APPRGACHING )
\/\/hat did she do? -Go upstairs,
-No, I want to see the fight, Get your Iittle ass up those stairs!
lVleadow!
We can talk about it in the morning -Get down here!
Let her go to bed
I want her to answer for herself! She's drunk! Was she driving?
I couId've taken ecstasy but I didn't!
Don't puke on the floor!
You still up? Go to bed!
She's on ecstasy and you yeII at me? -Get up there!
\/\/hat did she say for herself?
The usual shit_ "Wasn't my fault
There was designer drugs there, Tony
So, what did you say?
I don't know_ I yelled_ \/\/hat the fuck else am I gonna do?
You sure you're gonna be all right, Uncle Rich?
I want to walk
See if I run into any of the old crowd,
Thanks, doII
lVIotherfucker
There has to be consequences
\/\/hat kind of parents would we be if we Iet her get away with this?
Typical?
Plenty of parents still crack the whip
Yeah, that's what they tell you
I cannot wait until she goes off to college
Gh, right, so you can get Empty Nest Syndrome___
and go on Wellbutrin like your sister,
As a parent today, you are over a barrel no matter what you do_
You take the car, you're a chauffeur
Ground her, you stay in and be a prison guard.
Throw her out, social services returns her
and we face a judge She's not 18 yet_
All I'm saying, with the laws today, you can't restrain your kid physically
She could sue you for child abuse
There has to be consequences
And there will be
|hearyou,okay?
Let's not overpIay our hand, If she knows we're powerless, we're fucked
He
That guy wants to talk to you
Jesus_ lVIother of Christ! Richie
So when did you get out? How come nobody told me?
That's funny, Paulie Walnuts told me he ran into you this morning
Honest to fucking God nobody said a word.
Cn what?
You ever meditate? -lVIe? lVIeditate?
-Are you crazy? Not as crazy as I used to be
But still crazy enough to take an eye out,
What's going on here, Rich?
Ten years, And not even a pleasant "Go fuck yourseIf" from you I get,
You know, I always asked how you were doing,
Hold on there, You
How could you Iet my dear friend sit here with an empty cup?
-I'm sorry, That's all right
Bring this gentleman a veal-parm sandwich
The other two stores doing as good as this?
Come on, you know, it's a grind
Rich, I know you're a made guy so I Iose either way,
But I always respected you and your brother, Jackie,
I'm no victim here
I'm not some greasebaII storeowner I'm sorry, Richie,
I will not be shaken down
This sucking up to Tony Soprano has done wonders for you,
I go away for a while, I come back you're a tough guy,
Don't do this -Do what?
Take what's owed to me?
-What's owed to you? I put you in action, Beansie
You got a bad memory, Beansie
Veal parmigiana sandwich
Fuck you
I'II be back every Saturday, partner
I don't fucking believe this
I'm being shaken down, for what? Tell me, what did I do?
This is not right
I'm not gonna fucking lay down
Won't Iay down, huh? You don't want to Iay dawn? You piece of shit!
All right, Iet's get her down here
Iguess
Where is the Bride of Frankenstein? -She's still sleeping,
Yeah, right, Go wake her up -I wake her up?
I want to get this shit out of the way before I go out
You guys are making too much of this -I don't think we're making enough,
She was drunk
Her choice, There's a Zuni saying
"For every 20 wrongs a child does, ignore 19
There's an old Italian saying: You fuck up once, you Iose two teeth
That's what aII this is about Ego and control,
No, I want to understand this Go ahead, tell me,
You want to hold on to control over a young woman,,,
,,,whose entire biological determinism
is to achieve independent thought and behavior,
,,,but you want to penalize her because you don't Iike her choices
Go get a fucking permanent
I'm trying to watch TV!
Good morning, I'm sorry, is it afternoon?
lVIom, please, Please what?
You'd better have some answers -(TGNY) Yeah, That's right!
-Fine, You're punished, For what? I didn't do anything!
You did nothing?
-It wasn't my fault! It's never your fault, lVIeadow
It was gonna be me, Hunter and the lVIacaIuso twins
Then Steve shows up with Adam and people from Boonton!
So Steve's just trying doorknobs tiII he hits the jackpot?
-No, Hunter tells him, Now with the Hunter
And she's at home, blaming it on you It's an old game,
You try studying day and night to get into coIIege,
We work hard, We deserved a night! -Take it easy,
Take it easy
I'm sorry you're under a Iot of pressure, It's still no excuse,
So who was this ecstasy guy? -I just told you, Adam,
I don't know him, He came with Steve
The Steve I know? The school kid you're always with?
He's a flake, Why do you think I stopped hanging with him?
That's news to me you don't hang out with Steve,
It's painful to talk about, okay?
You're gonna get punished
Look, you guys, I know what I did was not okay
I've been thinking about it a Iot and really not feeling good about myself
You should take away my Discover card
You better believe it! -That's right!
For two weeks
Three!
How do I buy gas?
Your allowance
I spent my allowance, And I already owe lVIom
The Pashmina
No more
Till you get your card back For gas!
Come here
Look at you, You Iook great, You're sinew
You sack of shit, If you Iost that baby fat, you'd disappoint me,
Hey, fuck you
You been Iaid yet?
God, what's wrong? I'm trying
Hey, I said 4:00
I Ieave before the stock market closes
you yeII for not watching the phone guys,
lVleet Richie Aprile
Your brother, Jackie, was Iike a fucking god
A great Ieader, And I heard a Iot about you
Yeah, well, I heard a Iot about you
That's why I'm here
Gut of respect for our friend here I'm gonna talk nice,
I ever hear you raise your hands to my niece again,,,
next time you won't see my face
You understand?
Who told you I put my hand on her?
ls this kid getting jerky with me?
Look, kid, I shouldn't have to explain myself
I'm from the old school
You want to raise your hands give her your Iast name,
Then it's not my business
Until then, keep your hands in your pockets,
We understand each other?
Now get out of here
I want to talk to Tony
Go ahead
He's a good kid
Capable
Look, Ton, this is the thing
I want to get my shy business back
I keep getting caIIs from Jackie's customers
Where the fuck are you going? -I'II talk to you Iater, Richie,
What just happened?
No more business talk with him directly,
You fucking with me?
You can talk to him
But not now
And never here
Can you believe we drank a whole bottle of wine?
Thank God!
Cheers Cheers
We're out of here -Gkay,
Richie broke a chair over his head
You shitting me?
Hit him with a coffeepot too Broke his cheekbone,
Prick, I talked to him yesterday He's aII sweetness and lights,
Already this shit's getting old
Yo, bright eyes
-Where you going? This isn't the Bing, huh?
Fuck did I say?
Hey, how have you been?
Can't complain
-You Iook good, Where did your friends go?
Tell them to come back, join us -No, they're leaving,
First time here, Excellent veal
We making small talk now?
Nice to see you
Yeah, you too
ToodIe-oo -Bye-bye,
Not a bad ass
She had nice pipe-fitter Iips No disrespect,
Hey, what do I give a fuck? I hardly know her,
You mean, you would take the Iips over the tits?
Trust me, my boy, There's two things I'm good at
It's pulling dents and spotting good blowjobs
And that sweetie had world-class blowjob Iips
Am I right, skipper? Good or no?
What the fuck do I know? It was a Iong time ago,
All right, she was good, AII right?
Cr great?
Why you busting my baIIs? It was a Iong time ago,
Hey, I remember every blowjob I ever got
You remember your first blowjob?
How Iong did it take for the guy to come?
I said, "You remember your first bIowjob?"
Yeah," "How long did it take for the guy to come?"
ToodIe-fucking-oo"?
What the fuck was that?
I couIdn't sleep from the embarrassment
What was so wrong? It's an accepted form of goodbye
That's not the way I talk with patients,
It was Jennifer
What did you see at that table that made you want to hide "Doctor"?
Who were you hiding from?
That's who I was hiding from A patient,
When you say "see
do you mean professionally orjust plain "see"?
-What's the difference? There's a big difference
If it was just a matter ofjust plain old "see",,
,,,the cordial doctor wouId've said, "Good night
,,you abandoned the doctor facade and adopted the Jennifer posture,
Hence, "ToodIe-oo
You're almost there Elliot, but not quite,
Young girls are not accountable for their behavior,
I think "ToodIe-oo" was the action of a ditsy young girl,
And I regressed into the girl thing to escape responsibiIity,,,
Look, I need you as a colleague to tell me that I did the right thing
You gotta ask yourself why you became a psychiatrist
If it was to help people stop smoking or biting nails,,,
,,,then so be it, There's nothing wrong with that
Another patient committed suicide because I was treating this man,
Treating patients from a motel room isn't optimum,,,
but you were there for her in phone contact,
It would have been the same if you'd been on vacation,
Did you say "Iam"?
(YCGA INSTRUCTCR ) And lifting up into Cobra,
And now rising up into Downward Facing Dog
Richie
Janice, You know, I thought that was you
Parvati
I changed my name to Parvati in '78
I thought you lived in California now
Seattle, actually, Iast couple years
So, how Iong you been,,,? -Gut ofjail?
Cne week, That's where I picked up this yoga shit,
It's working, You seem very supple
I'm doing a Iot of stretching
-So you back now? l\/Iy mom's at St, Erasmus, A stroke
Guess we're aII getting a Iittle old -Cnly if that's our choice,
Drag me aII the way out here
I walk through the food court, this kid spills fried rice on me
Take it easy, Keep your voice down, Let's talk
I don't talk business, Don't take it personal
I'm a government target
Why do you think we're meeting in a fucking mall?
It feels disrespectful, You know, that's aII I'm saying
When? When did you ever step in for me?
You forget?
You and my brother stuck up Feech LalVIanna's card game?
Feech was a made man
If it wasn't for me, you wouId've got a vicious beating, to say the Ieast,
You know I Iove you
What was yours before you Ieft will be yours again,
You just gotta give us some time
Jeez, Anthony, you'd do that for me?
Hey, fuck you
What's mine is not yours to give me
Hey, prick, you reached out to me -I said what I wanted to say,
Well, we got a problem, kid?
I'm trying to get you to slow down
Things are different now, You gotta be extra, extra careful
When do you know me not to be careful?
VVhen?
You been out of the can 10 minutes, you shake down Beansie for a piece
Do me a favor, back off He's a good earner,
Yeah, for you
That's none of your fucking cazzi
Those joints are a cash business They come in handy,
He's a sneaky cocksucker -Whatever, back off,
You taking the side of a civilian over me?
Christ, I'm asking you to do me a favor,
Do it if you want to, If you don't, go fuck yourself
Ch, yeah? -Yeah,
There's no need for that talk -What?
l\/ly sister
Janice, How's she doing?
Ch, I thought you were baiting me You know ,,,,
How's your sister? Fuck your mother,
See what she did?
-Who? lVIeadow
That house is fucked!
-Thought you didn't swear, What are you talking about?
I'm outraged, No, I am beyond outraged
Talk about disgrace? Disrespect for other peopIe's property?
It's like a freaking shooting gallery,
It smeIIs of urine, there's puke aII over the hardwood floors--
Sounds Iike your place in Venice -She's been punished,
Three weeks without a card
Ch, Madonna, that's some heavy shit there!
-Janice ,,,, If that was my child
You got a Iot of fucking baIIs you know that?
Don't talk to me Iike that -Let's clear the air here,
You're a Vishnu-come-lately playing concerned,
Who the fuck are you kidding?
You're here to pick the frigging bones,
A Iot of baIIs
Temper tantrums
You're passing judgment on him, Janice Cn us as parents,
How we discipline our children is none of anybody's business,
You Iet that girl walk aII over you you'll regret it,
lVIother of God, Janice! Are aII of you Sopranos the same?
lVIaybe you'II hear this
lVIind your fucking business, Keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids!
Alright ?!
lVIaybe I've stayed here too Iong
The fall in the shower didn't affect your pre-existing heart condition,
But you already knew that -It never hurts to be sure,
What next does the lVIan Upstairs have in store for me?
You're lucky it was a sprain
The thing is, doc, I've been feeling these, like, little fibrillations,
Psychosomatic, You got out ofjail on a medical
(KNCCKING )
Hey!
There's my boy!
I was afraid you didn't get the message,
Put a shirt on, I'm getting a chubby
Doc, this is one of my dearest friends
Richie, this is the best heart man in the world, Doug Schreck,
l\/Ir, Soprano oversoId me, I'm only the best in the Western world
Fucking ball-breaker
Doc, do me a favor?
lVle and Richie
Yeah, no problem
He's good, Lets me use his doctor- patient privilege to meet people here
Fucking house arrest
Federal marshals so far up my ass I can taste Brylcreem,
Jesus, you Iook good How you feeling?
I gotta meet Tony at a maII, you here What the fuck is happening?
Like the man said, lVIay you Iive in interesting times
You met with Tony?
It's more Iike a fucking audience with the pope,
What are you gonna do?
Whatever you tell me
You and your brother were always good boys
You tell me othen/vise
I'm yours, Junior
Whatever, whoever
You just say it
Cnce again, a big welcome home to our guest of honor,
Richie was surprised by the changes in 10 years
New Jersey has a hockey team
It's interesting, lVIeadowIands is the only NHL arena
,where the penalty box is maximum-security,
lVIaximum-security penalty box
Help me
What the fuck?
I was talking to Paulie Walnuts
who thought that Richie had been in Bosnia,,,
,,,where there's also a large lVIusIim population
That's it, Cut of here -Enough,
And now for aII you youngsters with visions of tit-fucking in your head,,,
(APPLAUSE )
He
Welcome home
Wait tiII you open it, It's aII ones
I'm a grandfather now, Rich Imagine that?
Please, no pictures
Exploiting medical curiosities is against the law,
That why they canceled your mom's audition?
What did you say?
It's a homecoming -Cocksucker,
Take a walk
-Is Beansie here? Haven't seen him
Richie, how's your balls?
They're hanging
Ready and waiting
What?
Go with Silvio
Who? -Go!
|'|| hold this
Don't worry about it -Come on,
This guy
Trust me!
He's got a real fucking attitude problem
-Careful, Come on
He just did 10 fucking years, He has a right to be a bit fucked up
Richie will be all right
(|v|oAN|No)
Yeah, Yeah
I see you Iike the dark
Silvio says we can't take it
Whose joint did you just cop mine or his?
Did we do something wrong? -You were fine,
(APPLAUSE )
Hey, buddy! What the fuck are you doing?
What'd you think Tony Soprano was gonna do for you?
Come here! -No,
Come here! Come here!
How come you weren't at the party?
I moved a Iot of H for you
and you made the Iion's share
You're just bitter because I invested my money smart and you didn't,
I spent mine on lawyers you slippery fuck!
You want to talk Iike a tough guy? Tough guy, here!
Hey, come on, Please, no guns
What happened to I'm no greasebaII storeowner"?
Tell me again how you won't Iay down, huh?
(ouNsHoT)
(HoRNHoNmNo)
Asshole!
(LCUD |v|us|c)
I'm sorry, is the music too Ioud? -Ch, no, it's fine,
I just wanted to apologize You know, about earlier,
No, I should be apologizing to you
I was out of Iine
You're right
I never raised a child
I was robbed of that when Eugene took him back to lVIontreaI,
,but they have me on their enemy radicals list, so ,,,,
When was the Iast time you saw Harpo?
He changed his name to Hal
I'm sorry, Carm, can we not talk about him?
Look, I just want you to know that I was way out of Iine,
Well, I'm sorry too, Really, I just feel terrible
You know, you're family
And family means a Iot
I just don't feel right about you leaving here
I don't know
I don't think Tony wants me here
Where will you go? The house is in no condition to move into, especially now,
l'll be all right
No, I'm sorry, I really can't Iet you Ieave
Ckay
Ch, maybe just a Iittle bit The music,
Ch, all right
(HCNWNG)
Richie, no! Richie, no!
Jesus!
(PCP soNo |=>|_AY|No)
Do I put the chocolate in now? -Put it in, l'll pour the milk,
What did your parents say about Saturday?
The usual, Nothing, They're afraid l'll go bulimic again
Purge and they won't say anything
When will they realize we're adults responsible for ourselves?
So we had a party at your grandmother's
Would they prefer we go to Limelight? Hello!
It's because they have no Iife They focus on bullshit,
So, what did yours do?
They took my Discover card for three weeks,
-That's nothing, I know, it was my idea
-Dicks, So hypocritical too
When you think how my dad makes a living,
Ch, jeez! What is this?
Why don't you ring for the nurse? -Never you mind!
That's theirjob
I don't need them
l\/Iy daughter came aII the way from Seattle
(TV s|_AR|No )
Ch, Jesus!
(KNCCKING )
Hello?
She rang for you -I did not,
lVIrs, Soprano
Richie Aprile
But I thought you were dead
No, hon, that was my brother, Jackie
Ch, I'm sorry
How did he die, the poor baby?
He had cancer
l\/Ie too
Shut that curtain, will ya?
lVly Johnny would roll over in his grave if he saw this,
Ch, they wheel people in and out in and out, Ch, go on!
So isn't Parvati supposed to be here?
I don't know who that is
Your daughter, Parvati, Janice
Ch, yeah, please, Don't start with that name business
She did it to shame me
( JANICE )You'II have to have your tea without Iemon,
Richie
You see the beautiful flowers he brought me?
Yeah, see? Yourfather has friends with class,
Not Iike some people
lVIa, he's not one of Dad's friends He's my friend,
You mean, he's your boyfriend?
,,,for beeping my horn when I came to pick up Janice
Pimps beep!
You know, someday somebody's gonna wash out your mouth with soap, hon,
Ch, yeah, who? You?
Ch, I wish the Lord would take me
Chh, lVIa, Statazeet
The man's come to visit you -Take it easy!
You Iay the same trip on everybody who comes
Don't you have any shame? -Shame?
Ch, I got plenty of shame
Believe me
Go ahead, lVIa, Shoot your best shot
Never you mind
Just remember what we talked about Iast week
lVIa, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria for some coffee
Are you coming back? -Yes,
I bet you're very good to your mother
She'II be better when I get her home
Does that mean you're sticking around?
If I don't, who'II take care of her? -What about Tony?
Long story, You haven't heard what happened?
Tony blames everyone else
for anything bad in life including lVla,
Tony? No
Trust me, Nothing's ever his fault
I couIdn't visit her empty-handed
-You weren't at yoga, I'm very busy with my mother
We weren't good together 20 years ago,
Why do you think it's any different now?
Let's get to the point
I am so not that person anymore
You know, I don't think l'd be interested in the same Jan I knew
So, what, you've grown? -Well, you tell me,
Did you ever think you'd see Richie Aprile doing,,
Downward Facing Dog?
Can she put more gook shit in here? -It's not that much,
Soy milk, tofu, I hate aII that shit!
(A,J, )Yeah, me too
Shut up, you said you liked soy milk
I Iied, She was taking me to the video store,
I'm happy Aunt Parvati's staying
The one who thinks you're spoiled?
-Hey! Whoa!
Don't Iook Iike you're gonna cry You made your bed,
I need $15
Excuse me?
A Cole Porter CD, It's for lVIadrigaIs We're doing three of his songs,
You took my card, remember?
Here
What's your problem?
Nothing
Thank you, by the way!
Janice should be home by now
l\/Iy sister was almost out and you fall for her con?
She can't afford a motel
How about she goes back to where she was for 20 years
while I took care of our mother?
I thought we couIdn't mention Grandma in this house
You tell her to Ieave, I won't, It's not Christian
See? This shit works out She's a Buddhist,
( JANICE ) Hello!
We're in here, Par
They're beautiful -Aren't they?
Richie?
Richie Aprile?
He went to visit her, You know he always Ioved l\/Ia
AII right, I gotta go
You better water them, I think I hear them crying
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(WIZARD GF GZ MUSIC PLAYING )
(TRUCK HoRN HCNKING )
(CRASHING SCUNDS)
(FEMALE soB|3|No )
Aw, Jesus Christ!
Peter, you're scaring your mother
Leave me the fuck alone
Hey, is that a way to talk?
Tony?
Can you pick up the BBC on that thing, or what?
No jokes please, Tony (NURSE ) Cnly family
Let him stay
How you doing, pal?
Jesus
They said I might not walk
( FEl\/IALE ) Come on, lVIom, Let's go downstairs for a Iittle while,
You gonna Iet that animal get away with this?
I'II Iet you talk to your "friend
Don't listen to these fucking doctors
When it comes to spinal injuries it's aII a mystery to them,
PauIie's cousin got run over by a forklift, Broke his back,
(SCBBING)
AII right, here
Here
I can't do it
Ah, ah
Come on
Thanks
Thanks, Tony
I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that?
Your nose is as far as I'm willing to go,
(LAUGHING)
Listen
Beans
You 1000% sure it was Richie Aprile driving?
A thousand percent? No
A fucking miIIion percent
And Iet me tell you something
He's lucky I ain't no rat fuck
Because the Iaw knows that was no random hit-and-run
Don't start talking foolish
We wash our own dirty Iaundry
Hey, am I right, Beans?
Yeah, yeah, CId school
Ckay, good
So you here to see your ma? I hear she's upstairs,
No, I came here to see you, you prick
That's okay
Go do what you gotta do
I told you to back off Beansie -I did, Then I put it in drive,
This is funny? He might never walk again
Did you know that? And for what?
He didn't duke you enough?
He didn't visit you in the can?
When did you visit anybody in the can?
When's the Iast time you gave a fuck about anybody but yourself?
You remember one thing and listen good,
You want to talk this old school shit? Here's a rule you might remember:
I'm the motherfucking fucking one who caIIs the shots,
You pay me the respect I gave your brother or we're gonna have a problem
A bad one
Now get the fuck out of here
All right, Tony
Yeah, All right
-Hey, How you doing?
I'II open it, you change the locks
(RCCK soNo PLAYING )